Parenting is tough. Even on good days, many of us feel overwhelmed and uncertain. Which means on bad days we can feel like we’re failing on an epic level.

I’ve been parenting since my early 20’s, growing up alongside my four kids. Over the past couple of decades, I’ve learned that there are two essential skills to parenting well. That even on those bad days, I can try and accomplish these two things.

These two things are simple, but not always easy, especially if you didn’t learn them growing up.

Put simply, it’s this: Listen Well & Affirm Often

Listen Well

I’ve always told my kids that they can tell me anything.

But that’s not enough.

I’ve got to show them they can tell me anything, by consistently listening to them as they’re growing up.

This means I show them I’m listening by looking them in the eye, putting my phone away, turning towards them when they’re talking, repeating back what I’m hearing them say, and doing my best to check in a day or two later after they tell me about friends, tests, complaints, fears, etc.

Try this:

The next time your kid starts talking, even if it seems unimportant, give them your attention for 5 minutes straight. As they talk, say things like:

“That sounds __________”, such as ‘That sounds really frustrating…’

“That’s really interesting, can you tell me more about ___________”

“I hear you saying _________”, such as, ‘I hear you saying that you felt worried about your grade on that quiz’, or ‘I hear you saying that the new Dude Perfect video is really wild’, or ‘I hear you saying that you feel really excited about seeing your friends at school.’

It doesn’t really matter what they’re saying, so long as they feel like you’re listening.

Affirmation

Children come to understand who they are by hearing what their family and friends see in them. Unfortunately, when we don’t get affirmation, we tend to seek praise, but the two are like apples and rocks, no amount of praise will ever give us the affirmation we need.

To affirm is to point out the good that’s always there, maybe buried down deep, but there nonetheless.

Try this:

Pay attention to your kid and notice the thing you most enjoy about them. This could be their curiosity, humor, friendliness, compassion, fearlessness, spunk, creativity, or a whole host of other things. Don’t speak in generalizations like ‘I’m so proud of you’, but speak in specifics, ‘I’m so proud of the way you…really care about your friends/find creative ways to express yourself/enjoy playing with your siblings’

If they are able to read on their own (even and especially if they’re a teen), write it down on a notecard or post it. Say something like, “What I love about you is that you are ________”

A note to parents who think they’ve messed this up one too many times…

You haven’t. Your kids want to trust you, want to know you love them, want to feel safe with you.

Try one thing, once a day, one day at a time. You may not get there overnight, but with enough of the next right step forward, you stand a good chance of getting there eventually.