Post written by Mary Parker, LCSW

Recently my daughter entered the driving world. With that I realized I needed to set curfews, plug in emergency numbers, and pay more attention to our often ignored Life 360 app.

I was not prepared for the profound sense of sadness and loss of control I felt. The reality that my daughter is now in a world where she doesn’t need me the way she did mere months ago caught me off guard. She can get her own food, run errands, meet her friends, go out at night….all without my assistance.

A few months ago I had an ‘Aha’ moment at the gas station. I asked my daughter to put gas in the car, and she had great difficulty doing so. I sarcastically asked how she will drive a car if she doesn’t know how to put gas in it. Her response was simple -no one has ever really showed me or told me how. I assumed she would just know because of the 1,000’s of times she has been with me while I performed this routine act.

Communication and ensuring that we are on the same page is incredibly important.

I need to check in with her now more than ever, and also trust that she will recognize compromising situations. However neither of us can afford to assume that she just….knows.

I sometimes go over a checklist in my brain at night. My list encompasses the things I think she knows but need to double check and the things I need to tell her.

My current checklist includes the following:

1. Set reasonable expectations for curfew and places she can and cannot go. Communicate this information very clearly.

2. A little flexibility is great, but remember: what you allow…will continue.

3. Program emergency numbers into your child’s phone. Come up with a safe word or sentence so that your child can communicate with you if she/he is in an awkward situation.

4. Your family is not a democracy. It is important to remember that your child may not like your non-negotiable reasonable expectation. However, when my daughter looks back I want her to remember that her well being and safety were a top priority.

5. Actions have good and bad consequences. It may be uncomfortable, but it is important that your child is fully aware of the potential long-term consequences of any action may be.

6. Acquaint yourself with where your child is developmentally, socially, and emotionally. They may look like adults but they aren’t. Here is a great resource on that.

7. When they make a mistake, grant your child the same grace you would want someone to grant you. This doesn’t mean that there will not be any consequences, but try to ensure that communication doesn’t shut down over fear and shame.

Often remind them that you are there if they need to talk, and then be there. Pay attention to how they are coping with the ever-changing landscape.

They are in a season of many firsts. You may find it helpful to seek out another safe person for your child to talk to, especially if you sense they are struggling and find it difficult to express what they maybe dealing with.