I was recently interviewed by WLBT about the topic of navigating conflict with family members when it comes to political disagreements. Here’s an outline of what I said with the interview attached below.

John and Julie Gottman have been researching relationships for 40+ years and recommend the following process for navigating conflict, which I have found especially helpful when it comes to disagreements around politics.

First, listen to understand.

They found that around 86% of disagreements won’t be resolved with agreement (which might be even higher with issues of politics), and so if your goal is to agree, you have about a 90% fail rate. Those aren’t good odds. So if you can change your goal from agreement to understanding, you’ll have a much higher rate of success.

Second, find out what values are at stake.

For gridlocked issues, meaning those issues that you just can’t seem to get over, it’s often due to the fact that there is a personal value that is feeling threatened. I think this is even more often the case when it comes to political issues. It’s not necessarily about the policy being discussed, but the value tied up to the policy. When you can uncover the value, you’ll find that most issues are much more navigatable.

Third, be willing to be influenced.

I didn’t have a chance to speak to this in the interview, but it’s extremely helpful if both parties go into a disagreement with a willingness to be influenced by the person they’re talking with. This is not typically the case with American politics where it’s all or nothing.

If I’m willing to try and understand your point of view, am listening for what values are at stake for you, and I’m willing to be influenced by you - then there’s a good chance we could get somewhere in the conversation.

And fourth, be willing to repair.

The Gottman’s have found that successful couples aren’t always great at how they ‘fight’, but they’re great at repairing the relationship when they do. Follow up with the conflict and ask how you may have caused harm or hurt. And then, get willing to make amends for that hurt - do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust and security in the relationship.

Additionally, try to get to know your fear.

Much of American politicking is driven by fear because fear is a great way to motivate people, but it’s usually shortlived. This is why we see a new thing to be afraid of constantly being brought up. Do your best to know what it is that you’re afraid - what are you afraid of losing or not having anymore. And then do the hard work of reckoning with that fear and find out if it’s irrational or self-centered.

And finally, pursue connection over consensus.

Politicians will come and go. Policies will change…or maybe they won’t. But they don’t last and they’re not worth rooting your security in them. Connection with others is what has kept humans going for millenia. Focus on that.

I recognize how imperfect this is, as well as how difficult, both in my life and in yours. And there are no doubt going to be times when it’s necessary to stay away from relationships when the above is not returned in kind, but it doesn’t always have to be the case. Disagreement and healthy relationships are possible, but they take work.

Here’s a link to the news story on WLBT

https://www.wlbt.com/2024/10/30/discussing-politics-impacting-thousands-families-couples/