Am I Acting Entitled?
/“Entitlement is the belief that I am exempt from responsibility, and I am owed special treatment” – John Townsend, The Entitlement Cure
There is a lot written about entitlement, and although there is no singular, widely-held definition, the above quote seems to capture its essence. Entitlement is about responsibility, and holds the belief that others are responsible for me while I am not. It leads to all sorts of devastating consequences, both individually and on a societal level. And like many issues, it’s hard to know when its effecting you.
So, how can you tell if you act with a sense of entitlement? Here is a short guide that I’ve put together to help you look in the mirror. If you’re still having trouble, ask for feedback on this from someone who knows you well.
How do you respond to inconveniences?
If someone asks something of you that puts you out of your way, do you react with defensiveness and indignation, or to you try to honor their needs? In extreme entitlement, inconveniences are framed as robbing you of your freedoms or rights.
Do rules apply to others, but not to you?
Entitlement tends to make people think they are above or beyond the rules, and although it’s good for others to follow the rules, it’s not really necessary for me. How do you respond to rules that are designed for the protection or comfort for others? Do you oblige, or do you willfully defy? Extreme entitlement views rules as a kind of cheatcode, something everyone else might be inconvenienced with but that allows me to get ahead by ignoring them.
In what ways do you use others?
A sense of entitlement tends to elevate our own desires over those of others. This might mean we cut corners at work, take from others without compensation (ie: still using your college roommates Netflix account), or disregard the pain we cause others because of how it benefits us. How do you handle the inconveniences you cause others when you cancel or miss appointments, bail on plans, or change things in the last minute? Do you react with anger and frustration to other people’s boundaries? Extreme entitlement can lead you to the justification of harming others, working out of an ‘ends justify the means’ mentality – where the ends are whatever you want.
How do you handle consequences?
This is a big one for entitlement. Rather than facing and accepting consequences, you might shift blame, justify wrongs, or flat out deny the problems that led to consequences. When faced with a consequence, do you respond with humility, or defensiveness? Who cleans up your mess? Do you feel sorry for the harm caused to others or do you just feel sorry for yourself? Extreme entitlement refuses to accept consequences and stops at nothing to get out of them.
Who gets the credit?
When things go well, do you share the credit with others who contributed, or do you keep it all to yourself? And on the other hand, when things go poorly, do you hand off all the credit to the contributors or do you own your part? Extreme entitlement might even go so far as to steal credit (think plagiarism or falsified documents) while actively tearing down others.
This is just a brief overview, and surely all of us can identify with aspects of the above. But it leads to the question, what can you do about it? Someone living in entitlement might read this list, think poorly of a few other folks, and then move on as if there’s no real way this has anything to do with them.
Personally, the 12-steps helped me in wrestling with this issue. To put it simply, steps 1-3 require you to admit your limits and ask for help, steps 4-7 move you to get honest with yourself and others, steps 8-10 help you to own up to your consequences, and steps 11-12 free you to serve others over yourself. You might go to an open AA meeting or another kind of group (like celebrate recovery). Maybe schedule a session with a licensed counselor. But in the end, you’ll need to take action to move out of self-absorption. Volunteer somewhere (especially if you don’t want to). Go help somebody you tend to look down on. Donate some money in place of a luxury you enjoy.